A good friend told me about this song last week, and it's quickly become one of my favorites. (Thanks Bobbi)!
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I can so identify with this song. To say these last two years have been hard would be an understatement.
I don't understand the whys and frankly, it makes me so angry at times. Why us, and the question I can't wrap my head around-why my child, and not me. I would do anything if it could be me instead of my precious Bella. Let me be the one who works so hard for everything, who endures countless tests, needles, and therapies-not my Bella.
For so long, I wanted a little girl. A little girl to do girly things with: we'd have tea parties, play dress-up, and go shopping. We'd have mother/daughter lunches, paint nails and share giggles, while the boys went golfing or fishing. In my most difficult (and honest) moments, I feel as though God says...Here, I gave you this precious little girl, that you love more than anything...but instead of shopping and tea parties, you'll have therapies, tears, dr visits, procedures, and fear. So, so much anxiety and fear. And you know what? That makes me a little angry...and sad...
Despite all these less-than-healthy thoughts though, I'm starting to realize there are blessings. The first one being this girl:
I'm crazy about this little girl. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love a child. She's been through more than any 2yr old should have to go through, and through it all she's kept her sparkling eyes and magical smile.
I love her brothers, so so much, and love how they interact with her. They don't define her by the fact that she's not sitting independently or walking...they just love her for being Bella. (Granted, it probably helps that she's not getting into their toys, but still)!
I've met some amazing people and moms, and have some great friendships with people I've never met in real life. I've realized which friendships try to "get it", and which don't care, and value so many things I used to always take for granted. I am realizing that we may not be having dress-up parties, but we can still have giggles.
I don't have a nice little bow to wrap this post up with, because it's a process, Some days are harder than others, but I'm learning (slowly) that there are blessings in the raindrops.
Do I wish we didn't have all these medical issues? You bet. Not because I want to change who Bella is, but because it makes my heart hurt to see everything she goes through. I can say without a doubt, that I wouldn't trade my Bella for a million tea parties.
I may not have ever imagined the rain, but I'm learning that some of the best things in life are the things you weren't expecting.
15 comments:
You are such a gifted writer and I really like your honest insight. And Bella's hair is sooo curly! I can't wait to give her a big hug soon!
I read thy lyrics, don't think I can listen to the song just now. Wow. Some very very good words I needed to hear. Thanks for sharing!
Your raindrops are blessings to the rest of us. Your open, honest and vulnerable posts touch my heart. This post made me cry because of the LOVE that is oozing from it! Of course you're angry and sad and confused and of course it isn't fair!! But you aren't giving up. You are clinging to your faith and your Abba, even if sometimes by only a thread. There isn't anything unhealthy about that, keep pouring your heart out to Him (even and especially when the stuff in your heart isn't so pretty).
Ditto what my offspring said, and I just am amazed at how CUTE and "cuter" Bella is getting. That smile!!!
I love your insight. I'm praying that you get answers soon. Bella is such a cutie and she has the two best big brothers.
Christi
Found you through Kelly's Korner. Thanks for sharing about your daughter. She's fortunate to have you as her mother. I wish you guys the best!
I also found you through Kelly's Korner. I have a 19 month old with cerebral palsy and she is the joy of our hearts! We also have a three year old and it also is a blessing to watch their interaction together. Thank you for sharing your heart, mine is the same. With love from Louisiana,
Nora
Came from Kelly's Korner....as a mother, and graduate student working on a master's in early intervention--I commend you for your strength, courage, hope and love. I have tears in my eyes from this beautifully written post. Although my child does not have special needs, I have worked with many families who have shared with me the ups and downs. You can STILL have those tea parties with your sweet girl. They may not be the same tea parties you imagined, but that makes them all the more special. God bless you, Bella and the rest of your family :)
She is a doll!! So cute.
I love, love that song too.
Keep holding on the the Lord.
It's so nice to meet you♥
Came over from Kelly's Korner, too. You have a beautiful family! I used to work with special needs babies and worked with one little boy with no diagnosis, he had hypotonia and neurologic problems as well, and I have to say that something about Isabella's eyes remind me of him. Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this I just was struck by the similarity and he was hispanic. This was about 10 years ago and I have had no contact with him since so I couldn't give you any other info, but I just thought I'd share. I do remember that with physical therapy he was almost standing alone by age 3.
Blessings,
Christine
Well, although I don't know all the struggles you go through with her, she sure looks to be precious beyond compare. My son was born with Down Syndrome. He is just precious to us. Through any of lifes struggles that I go through I try to keep this thought in mind... "HE never said it would be easy. HE just said it would be worth it." Praying that you continue to have daily successes (is that a word, LOL.), and that you recieve answers! You have a beautiful way of writing! God Bless!
A friend sent me to your blog. Our middle child and 2 year old does not have a diagnosis and has been tested for everything by everyone. I feel so many of the same things. This journey is so difficult. The unknowns. Thankfully, we serve a God that knows and loves our children more than we do. Blessings to you! Kristen
Found you through Kelly's blog. Your daughter is so adorable. My brother and a close family friend are mentally and physically handicapped and although I don't know exactly what you're dealing with, I have to say that they look a lot like your daughter. I don't know what it is but they just do! She is really gorgeous though. I pray that you'll find some answers soon and know you're not alone. Love.
I know exactly how you feel. My heart aches so often of the thought of not being able have those moments with her. My daughter is 2 1/2 and has the same issues with no real diagnosis after multiple genetic testing and MRIs.I am just so happy she is happy and healthy. I hope you will visit my blog :)
You are doing an amazing job in so many ways! Despite Bellas challenges, she must be just about the most courageous little girl ever, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...You both are quite inspiring!
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