A good friend told me about this song last week, and it's quickly become one of my favorites. (Thanks Bobbi)!
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I can so identify with this song. To say these last two years have been hard would be an understatement.
I don't understand the whys and frankly, it makes me so angry at times. Why us, and the question I can't wrap my head around-why my child, and not me. I would do anything if it could be me instead of my precious Bella. Let me be the one who works so hard for everything, who endures countless tests, needles, and therapies-not my Bella.
For so long, I wanted a little girl. A little girl to do girly things with: we'd have tea parties, play dress-up, and go shopping. We'd have mother/daughter lunches, paint nails and share giggles, while the boys went golfing or fishing. In my most difficult (and honest) moments, I feel as though God says...Here, I gave you this precious little girl, that you love more than anything...but instead of shopping and tea parties, you'll have therapies, tears, dr visits, procedures, and fear. So, so much anxiety and fear. And you know what? That makes me a little angry...and sad...
Despite all these less-than-healthy thoughts though, I'm starting to realize there are blessings. The first one being this girl:
I'm crazy about this little girl. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love a child. She's been through more than any 2yr old should have to go through, and through it all she's kept her sparkling eyes and magical smile.
I love her brothers, so so much, and love how they interact with her. They don't define her by the fact that she's not sitting independently or walking...they just love her for being Bella. (Granted, it probably helps that she's not getting into their toys, but still)!
I've met some amazing people and moms, and have some great friendships with people I've never met in real life. I've realized which friendships try to "get it", and which don't care, and value so many things I used to always take for granted. I am realizing that we may not be having dress-up parties, but we can still have giggles.
I don't have a nice little bow to wrap this post up with, because it's a process, Some days are harder than others, but I'm learning (slowly) that there are blessings in the raindrops.
Do I wish we didn't have all these medical issues? You bet. Not because I want to change who Bella is, but because it makes my heart hurt to see everything she goes through. I can say without a doubt, that I wouldn't trade my Bella for a million tea parties.
I may not have ever imagined the rain, but I'm learning that some of the best things in life are the things you weren't expecting.
